Dear Hunter
by sfdc
Summary: Santana joins the Army to earn money for her family. Her son is born while she's on tour and, after a new death experience when her company is ambushed, she begins writing him letters just in case she doesn't come home.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I read an article in the Times awhile back about a sergeant who did this for his son who was born while he was on tour and I thought it was really wonderful and touching and it inspired me to write this story. I do not know how anything works in the army so I put zero guarantee on the correctness of the things I'm saying. But, hopefully it'll be enough to make the story believable. I sincerely hope I don't offend anyone with misconceptions I may have. Anyways, on with the show!**

I fell into my cot in exhaustion after a long day of patrols in the hot Aghanistan desert. I'd been working the turret all day and subsequently hadn't had a chance to hide from the sun until now. To top it all off I had actually had to lay down some fire on an enemy patrol and, no matter how many times I do it, it still leaves me feeling rattled.

Needing some sort of comfort, I reached under her cot and pulled out the box in which I keep all my writings and family memorabilia. Slipping off the lid, I can't help but smile widely despite the day I've had at the photo of Brittany and I's first born son, Hunter.

"Some patrol that was," my roommate Private Katie Sheppard, who had been manning the other humvee on the patrols turret, huffed as she entered their tent and began stripping off her heavy gear for the day.

"I hate the fucking turret," I grunted in agreement without looking up from the picture of Hunter in Brittany's arms. Katie turned around and smiled when she saw me holding the picture as if it were the baby himself.

"Let me guess, Hunter?" Katie asked, knowing all to well the answer.

"I can't wait to meet him," I said, finally looking up. "I hate that I wasn't there when he was born but I'm so ready to leave this hell hole and be a mom."

"I can't imagine being out here knowing a child of mine I'd never met was at home," Katie said empathetically.

"Well unless Chase suddenly developed female anatomy I don't see that happening," I joked and Katie laughed.

"You make a good point Lopez. I still miss my little lady though," Katie said with a sigh before her face brightened considerably. "Oh! I almost forgot, Sergeant Michaels said that we both get twenty minute Skype slots tomorrow!"

"Shit, finally!" I said, my face breaking into a cheek splitting smile. I've been driving Michaels up the wall about scheduling time for a video chat ever since Hunter was born. Tomorrow would be the first time I would see Hunter outside of a photograph.

"Right?" Katie agreed enthusiastically. "It was Lily's birthday last week and I haven't gotten to talk to her yet so she'll be really excited."

"How old is she now? Seven right?" I asked.

"Yep! Seven," Katie said dreamily as she plopped onto her own cot next to mine. "Video calls will be pretty great incentive to get through that damn mission tomorrow."

"Aw crap I forgot about that," I groaned. "I may hate the turret but I _really_ hate foot patrols."

"Do you like anything here?" Katie teased and I can't help but laugh.

"Not a fucking chance."

"That makes two of us," Katie agreed. "Money sucks, Lopez."

"Preach," Isighed in agreement.

When Katie and I had been assigned as roommates when we arrived for our eighteen month tour six months ago, we quickly found that they were both here for the same reason: money. Brittany and I had been doing okay in our New York apartment for quite a while. Brittany had gotten a job as a dancer on Broadway with a little help from Rachel Berry. But, when we decided to try for a baby she had taken time off without pay, leaving me as the sole bread winner. I had come out of school with a Law degree at a pretty bad time when no one was really hiring, so I'd had to settle for a job as an intern for some corporate lawyers. However, they turned out to be quite corrupt and a huge scandal at the firm had left everyone out of work and ruined names. None of the was my fault, I hadn't been involved, let alone aware something was happening, but my name still got brought down with everyone else.

That had all happened when Brittany was two months pregnant. We were running out of the little savings we had and I was having a hell of a hard time finding work. Brittany had been given an easy desk job at a dance studio she had studied at before for the time being but it simply wasn't enough. So, in a moment of desperation to provide for my family, I enlisted in the Army. Brittany was three months pregnant when I left for bootcamp in Fort Lauderdale. After a month there, I was shipped directly to Afghanistan and have been here ever since.

I always immediately send every scrap of money I'm given to Brittany, who was doing well know that they had the Army checks coming in and a little extra from the few hours that Brittany could put in at the studio. My plan now is to finish this tour, alive, and go home and try to mend my sullied name in the law community. As a veteran, I'm hoping that people would be more responsive to me and give me another chance. More importantly, I want to be there to help with Hunter so Brittany could get back to dancing on stage.

Katie's story turned out to be fairly similar to mine in the sense that her family was tight on money. Her husband, Chase, had been a soldier himself but refused to go back after being the only survivor of an IED encounter on his last tour. After being laid off at her desk job, Katie, despite Chase's protests, had decided that it was her turn to take a tour of duty.

We both absolutely hate what we're doing. We hate being away from our families, we hate what we're fighting for,we hate the hot desert, we hate having to kill people, and we hate having to grovel to higher ranking officers. But, at least we met each other through it all. Having someone who understands in the cot next to you really does make all the difference in the world.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Flashbacks are in italics and third person.**

"Lopez, Sheppard, hop to it!" Sergeant Michaels yelled into our tent as we finished gearing up for the foot patrol we had to endure.

"Christ we're coming!" Katie yelled back, rolling her eyes in annoyance.

_Video calls, Santana. Get through this and you can see Brit and Hunt._

That was all the incentive I needed. Walk around in the blazing sun for a few hours in exchange for seeing my family? I'd do a hell of a lot more than that to get to talk to them. Once I even cleaned latrines in exchange for a video session, but that was before Hunter was born. This would be my first video call with Hunter.

"Lopez, you ready?" Katie asked, breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah, lets go."

We left the semi-coolness of our tent and I felt my already low mood plummet even further when the scorching sun hit me. I'm not stupid, I knew that it would be hotter than Hell out here but what I didn't think of was how fucking heavy and thick all the shit we have to wear everytime we do anything was. It made things worse by the ten-fold- no, by the thousand-fold.

"Lopez, Sheppard, head to ammunition and grab a few extra clips," Sergeant Michaels called to us.

"Fucking wonderful," I mutter under my breath as Katie and I head over to the supply tents. Whenever they told us to get extra ammo it was never a good sign. It meant that we had something to kill or something would would try to kill us and I wanted neither of those things. Sure I had a reputation as a hardass with a bit of a violent streak back in the day, but breaking some jocks nose and killing someone were very different. Killing someone is too permanent and it makes me uneasy. The only thing that makes me go through with it is the knowledge that if I don't kill them they'll kill me and I won't ever make it home.

I promised I'd make it home.

_JFK Airport was bustling as per usual. People were rushing about in a hurry, determined to make flights or get to family who were awaiting them by the baggage claims. But, in the middle of it all, Santana and Brittany were standing still near the security checkpoint that Santana really didn't want to pass through._

_Passing through the checkpoint meant another year and a half before she'd touch her wife again. Passing through the check point meant that this could be the last time she saw her wife at all. They both had the same fears about that checkpoint but neither voiced them so as to not worry the other. Instead Santana had her face buried in Brittany's neck, one hand on her pregnant belly and another planted firmly on the small of her back. Brittany was hugging back and, for the first time, cursing her pregancy and the fact that her portruding stomach made it so the two women couldn't be flush against one another._

_They could have stayed like that forever, but all good things must end as the PA system announcing that Santana's flight would be boarding soon rang through the airport._

_"That's me," Santana mumbled against Brittany's skin, making zero effort to move._

_"Don't go," Brittany pleaded softly. "Just stay."_

_"That's illegal B, I'd get arrested for going AWOL," Santana sighed as she pulled away, holding Brittany's hand and looking into watery eyes._

_"Then we can go to Canada and they won't ever find us," Brittany said, sounding small and childish in her reasoning. To say it broke Santana's heart was an understatement._

_"I'll be back before you know it," Santana said, offering up a weak smile. "And I'll call and video chat you as often as they let me."_

_"What about when I have the baby?" Brittany asked. "I want you there. I want you to be with me and our son."_

_"Rachel and Quinn will be there and your parents are flying in from Lima for you, you'll have so many people who love you there," Santana said, throwing a quick glance at her watch and feeling her stomach dropping with the dreadful realization that she really had to be going._

_"None of them are you," Brittany said in exasperration. "I don't want them, I want you."_

_"I know Brittany I want to be there too, more than anything. But please don't do this now, I can't change it," it was Santana's turn to plead now, she hated the idea of leaving such a distraught Brittany behind. _

_Brittany nodded curtly and dropped her head, squeezing her eyes shut and willing her tears to stop. Santana sighed and tipped her wife's chin up gently._

_"Baby, I promise you that everything will be okay,." Santana said sincerely, looking directly into Brittany's eyes._

_"But what if they're not?" Brittany asked. Her next question was so quiet that Santana barely heard it. "What if you don't come home?"  
><em>

_"Hey," Santana said sternly. "I promise I'll be home. Have I ever broken a promise to you?"_

_"No," Brittany shakes her head and can't help but smile. _

_"Then kiss me and keep that smile on your face," Santana said, smiling herself. Brittany was more than happy to oblige and swiftly captured Santana's lips in her own. Santana threaded the hand that wasn't holding Brittany's through blonde hair and kissed back, trying to memorize the lips that fit so well with hers and that she wouldn't be able to feel for far too long._

_"Now boarding, Flight 593 to Fort Lauderdale," the PA system announced, making Santana pull away ever so reluctantly and rest her forehead against Brittany's._

_"I love you so fucking much," Santana muttered. "Our son too, I haven't met him but he's already my favorite person."_

_"He's proud of you," Brittany replied. "I'm proud of you."_

_Santana sighed in relief. It was the first time Brittany had said she was proud. After the fight they'd had about Santana's enlisting she had begun to wonder if her wife would ever say those words she needed to hear so badly._

_"Thank you," was all Santana could say as she pulled away. "I have to go, can't miss my flight."_

_"I love you," Brittany said, putting on a smile for Santana. "Be good, don't piss off any guys twice your size."_

_Santana laughed, the first genuine laugh of the day for her, "Brit you know I never make promises I can't keep."_

_"I know," Brittany said, laughing herself. The two women stood there staring at each other for a moment. When Brittany realized that Santana had no intentions of moving she knew that she would have to be the strong one for this moment. "Go, you're gonna be late."_

_Santana nodded and picked up the large backpack by her feet and slung it over her shoulders. She leaned in quickly and kissed Brittany hard and fast before spinning on her heel and walking away while she still could._

_Brittany was joined by Quinn and Rachel, who'd already said their goodbyes and had been giving the couple their own time, and watched as Santana made it through security. After putting her shoes back on and shouldering her backpack once again, Santana turned to Brittany once more and blew her a kiss. Brittany grabbed the air in front of her, making Santana smile before she nodded and turned away. _

_Brittany couldn't help but cry once Santana was out of sight, praying to any deity that would listen that this wouldn't be the last time she saw her wife._

After grabbing my extra clips, I made my way back to the rest of my company and listened as Sergeant Michaels began his debrief.

"Alright ladies and gents, we got some intel that there's an enemy patrol that's been snooping around a little too close for comfort. So, it's our job to take them out," just as I thought. "Use of deadly force is authorized, we're not just driving them away. They might have gotten some valuable information at this point and we can't risk having them report that back to their people. Questions so far?"

No one said anything and Michaels continued.

"Good. So, here's the plan: I will be leading you all to the targets last known position. Once we find them, we flank around them. There's a lot of rocks and dunes in the area we're headed so take position behind those. Once we're all in position, we open fire. Easy as one, two, three and we'll be home before you know it. Questions?"

"What happens if they've moved on from their last known position?" Private Owens, a scrappy young blonde kid that reminded me of Sam Evans, asked.

"They're a long way from home, they won't have gotten far and we'll find them easy," Michaels explained. "Anything else? Good, lets move out. Lopez, with me."

Just my fucking luck. Times like this I wish I weren't a good shot because Michaels always wants me up next to him to cover his ass in case something happens. I jog up to take my place next to him at the front of the line and we exit the safety of our base walls. I took a deep breath, slapped my helmet to make sure it was on right, and pulled down my aviators for the journey ahead.

"What's our ETA?" I asked Michaels about half an hour into our trek. Being the bastard that he was, he laughed.

"Don't tell me you're already tired, Lopez!" He guffawed.

"No, I just want this to be over and done so I can get my video call," I said with a scowl.

"That's right, I approved those for you and Sheppard," he said, softening up considerably. He was always a much more likeable guy when family was involved, being a dad and husband himself. "Well we've got an hour long walk to go. I'm not sure how long this fight will take, approximately seven tangos so hopefully we'll be in and out good and quick. Then another hour and a half to walk back, we'll be home before the sun sets at this rate."

"Good," I nod curtly and we keep walking in silence.

Forty-five minutes later, Michaels stops the march and turns to us with his hand held up to get our attention.

"Listen up folks, it's time to shut the hell up and switch to signalling to communicate because from here on out those tangos can be anywhere," he said in a hushed voice that was just loud enough to reach the back of the group. "We don't want to get ambushed because some asshole can't shut his goddam mouth for five minutes, now do we? Don't answer that verbally, just nod if you're onboard."

Everyone nodded and Michaels turned and continued the march.

This was always the worst part of being part of an ambush. The talking on the trek over always made things light-hearted and not completely real. But when we go silent, you can hear the blood pounding in your ears and your mind screaming it's hopes that we get to them before they get to us.

I practically walk into Michaels back when he stops abruptly, holding up his hand and signalling stillness from us.

"Lopez," he huskes out under his breath. "Tell me what you hear."

I take a breath to calm my rapid heart beat and try to hone my adrenaline into something useful. I want to close my eyes to listen but the thought of not seeing is just really unappealing right now. Suddenly, I hear what sounds like a single soft footstep in the sound. I look behind me and see that we're all waiting on a bated breath and that it most certainly wasn't one of us.

"We need cover, now," I hiss to Michaels and he nods his understanding.

They're near by and I hope to God they haven't spotted us yet. We need to act fast and cover our asses while we still have the chance. Michaels is looking around and quickly signals that we are to stay low and get into the dune that's approximately two hundred feet west of us. Thankfully, we manage to get hidden down without any incident. Michaels lowers his hand and points to his ear; 'stay down, listen'.

I listen and breathe slowly and shallowly to stay quiet. We all do for at least ten minutes before Michaels signals Private Shadwick to look out and scope out everything. With a determined nod, he carefully raises himself up. That's when all hell breaks loose.

Practically the second Shadwick's head is up a gunshot rings out and he's back in the dune, a clean shot through his forehead just where the helmets protection ends. That means two things. One, our ambush has turned into us being ambushed. Two, there's sniper out there and a damn good one.

We hear shouts from above us and know that know that they've confirmed out position they're going to swarm us.

"Throw out your grenades, we need to try and take out as many of them as we can without exposing ourselves," Michaels orders. We all detach a grenade from our vests and pull the pins, tossing them up and over the dune and hopefully right into the laps our our enemy. We crouch down flush against the sand as the explosions go off. Shouts that don't come from us lead me to believe that we hit something. Gun shots confirm that we definitely scared them at least.

"Take them out any way you can!" Michaels shouts above the gunfire. "We're stuck here until they're gone so don't hold back!"

With those words, we all made sure our guns were ready and began laying down defensive fire. I took a deep breath before leaning my back against the dune and lifting myself up just enough to be able to see what we were dealing with.

Seven tangos my ass.

Whoever gave us that intel was a complete idiot because there were at least twice that charging through the desert towards us. Deciding that now was not the time to get pissed about bad intel, I picked a target and fired a few rounds. I grimaced when I saw my target crumple to the ground and ducked back down. Taking a moment to check over my company I saw that no one else had been taken out, thankfully. My momentary relief was immediately displaced when not one, but four enemy grenades fell into our dune. If it had been just one someone could have easily tossed it back, but four was a completely different story.

"Get out and find new cover!" Michaels yelled and we all hopped out and ran, laying down covering fire behind us. I managed to dive into another dune just as I heard explosions coming from our old one. I looked around and my panic grew even more when I noticed that I was the only person here.

_Did anyone else make it? Did they get picked off while running? If they didn't then where the fuck is everyone?_

I wanted to look up and survey my surroundings but fear was keeping me weighed down. I closed my eyes to try and calm myself down enough to function.

_Get yourself together Lopez, you're gonna get out of this. Do it for Hunt and Brittany, you have to be okay for them._

I opened my eyes with reset determination. I was about to pop up and lay down some fire when someone dropped into the dune beside me. I turned to face them, planning to ask if the new person knew where everyone else was. But I quickly found that my new dune-mate wasn't a friend.

I shuddered and felt my stop breathing as the barrel of a gun was shoved against my chest.

_Everyone has to break a promise at some point._


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Letters will also be in italics but, unlike flashbacks, those will be in the first person. The story's also probably gonna end up a little AU because I don't know what's gonna happen in the next few episodes.**

I closed my eyes and braced myself to meet my end. But instead I heard a loud slamming noise and felt something fall against me. I opened my eyes and found that the man who'd just had his gun on me sprawled against me with Katie standing over him, panting heavily from exertion and wiping blood from the butt of her gun against the dead man's jacket. Without another moments hesitation, I pushed the man off of me and looked at Katie.

"I..." was all I managed to get out and she just nodded.

"Later!" she shouted over the gunfire that was still roaring in the air. "We're getting them to fall back now that we're more spread out and they don't have us cornered."

I heaved a sigh and shook my head, needing to get back into offensive mode. Quickly, Katie and I found ourselves with our backs to the dune for support as we leaned up sporatically and fired at whoever we could see.

What felt like a lifetime later, the gunfire stopped and I heard Michaels voice calling out over the desert.

"Coast is clear, everyone regroup on me!"

I let out a shaky laugh of relief at his words and felt my chest heaving as I tried to steady my breathing. Katie must've been reacting quicker than me today because she was already out of the dune and offering me a hand up by the time I stood up. I took it and smiled my thanks before we jogged over the where Michaels was standing with the other company members already gathering around him.

"Okay people," he began as he shouldered his gun and wiped at the sweat that was coating his forehead after all twelve of us were gathered. "I need two people each to grab Shadwick and Collins and then we're headed back home on the double. We'll talk more when we're back into safety."

Four other Privates quickly jogged off an dropped into dunes to grab bodies. I turned to Katie, "Collins too?"

"Collins too," she said with a curt nod.

I sighed and watched as the four privates who had volunteered for the job of a grisly twist on pallbearers carried the two men between them. I never got particuarly close to Shadwick or Collins but they were definitely good guys. Shadwick really was just a good kid who had joined the Army so he could afford med school. Collins is what really got to me though. I knew he had a wife and twin boys back home. That really ate me up but now wasn't the time to get upset about anything.

"Up here, Lopez," Michaels called as always, her tone lacking the luster it usually had. I jogged up to him and we all walked home in silence.

Everyone knows that you just don't talk on the walk home when we've lost someone.

xXxXxXxXxXxXx

When we made it back we all dropped to the ground in relief as the doors to our base closed behind us, making us feel safe after the hard day we'd had. The four privates carrying Collins and Shadwick dropped them off at the medical tent where they would stay until a chopper came sometime tomorrow to bring them back home under stars and stripes. The privates quickly made their way back and joined us all on the hard ground.

Next to me, Katie took off her helmet and took her hair out it's tight ponytail. I decided to do the same and felt the same kind of relief I did when I would undo my ponytail when I got home from a Cheerios practice; it made me feel like the day was over and I could finally relax. Needless to say the relief here still left me pretty high-strung. After a fifteen or so minutes of sitting, Michaels stood up with a grunt to address us.

"This mission didn't go according to plan," Michaels began, his voice booming enough to address us but the wear of the day still very present. "We lost two fantastic soldiers in an ambush. But it could've been a lot worse and, quite frankly, we're lucky that any of us got out of there alive. That being said, you all did well today and I'm gonna clear it with the Captain so you all have two days without patrols and video calls home scheduled within that time off. Take this time off to recharge and rest. I expect you all ready to head back out there at your best after the break. You're all dismissed. Lopez and Sheppard, head to the Captain's Quarters for video chats in an hour."

We all stood up and headed our seperate ways in a daze as soon as we were dismissed. Katie and I both trudged back to our tent in silence and got out of our desert coated gear the second we could. I heaved a heavy sigh of relief and fell onto my cot once I was freed from all the extra weight of my gear.

"Thank you," I said from my spot laying down on the cot.

"Anytime, Lopez. Anytime," Katie responded, her voice making it clear to me that she was trying to process the day so I decided to let her alone for the time being. Lord knows we both needed to just lie down and think for a minute.

xXxXxXxXxXx

An hour later found Katie and I waiting eagely in the Captain's Quarters, awaiting the green light to occupy the computer booths that were set up for contacting home. To bide my time, I ran my fingers through my hair, which I was wearing down, and wiped the dust off of my fatigues (even though that's pretty useless gesture seeing as trying to appear not-dusty is not a realistic goal here).

"Private Lopez, Private Sheppard," we both spun around when we heard the deep voice of Captain Palmer addressing us. We saluted and he was quick to tell us "at ease," and we both relaxed.

Captain Palmer was exactly the kind of guy you'd expect to seeing playing a Captain in an army movie. About fifty years old, tall and bulky, clean shaven, a scar across his cheek, and a massive cigar dangling out the corner of his mouth. He looked and sounded intimidating as all hell but in reality he was a very likeable man. He well known for actually giving respect back to soldiers, regardless of their rank. Back in boot camp I'd heard horror stories about people assigned under Captains who quite frankly sounded like emotionless corpses who could care less what happened to the soldiers so long as the mission was completed. Thankfully, those horror stories were just stories.

"Michaels just told me about your mission," he said, taking a massive puff of his cigar that made my stomach lurch. Yeah, I loved a cigar here and there but he drank the smoke like it was water and he'd been lost in the desert for days. "Shame about Collins and Shadwick but I'm glad it didn't get bloodier."

"I couldn't agree more, sir," Katie said and I nodded my agreement.

"My least favorite part of this job is writing the families with news like this," he continued. "Especially for guys like Collins with the kids back home. He was in here last week for a videochat on the twins birthday, just turned five. Good man, that Collins. Shadwick too, kid had ambition and a heart of gold."

"That he did, sir" I said.

"Well," he clapped his hands together. "I'm glad to see the rest of you back without any bad injuries. Anyways, take a computer. You've got half an hour each before the connection times out."

"Thank you, sir," we said in unison and quickly separated and slid into our respective booths.

I took a steadying breath to stop my hands from shaking and set up the connection. My nerves were through the roof by the time I'd opened Skype and was waiting for Brittany to connect on her end. I felt like a kid on prom night, waiting for the beautiful girl to come down the stairs and reveal herself for the first time. Just when I thought I was going to literally fucking _explode_ from anticipation, the screen flickered and Brittany was before me.

"Hey there soldier," she said, biting her lip to keep herself from smiling too widely.

"B," I exhaled a breath I didn't know I'd been holding. "Stop biting your lip, I wanna see your smile."

She shook her head and laughed but ultimately obliged. I felt my heart flutter when I saw her bright white teeth flashing at me.

"I miss that," I said, a smile of my own playing across my lips. "I miss all of you."

"I do too," she said. "You have no idea."

"I think I have a pretty good idea," I said playfully. "I was so excited to see you that my hands were shaking so hard I could barely type in what I needed to call you."

"Well I've pretty much been sitting by the computer all day waiting for you ever since I got the notice that you could call today," she said back, competing with me and making me smile even wider.

"You look beautiful. How's everything on the home front?" I asked as she grinned bashfully.

"As good as it can be without you," she said. "Quinn and Rachel and around practically everyday to keep me company and held where they can."

"Good," I said, glad that they were following through on the promise I more or less forced them to make.

"How're you?" she asked, suddenly looking more concerned than happy now. "You look tired and sound a little off."

"Bad day," I admitted. "Really fucking bad."

"Do you wanna talk about it?" she asked and I shook my head.

"No, but I can think of something I do want," I said, eager to change the subject.

"I think I know what you want," she said, the grin back in place. "Hold tight, Quinn and Rachel have him in the next room. I'll be back in a second."

I nodded eagerly and awaited her return eagerly. Just as she promised, Brittany was soon back on the screen and holding our son. My heart swelled so much I actually thought I was going to break a few ribs.

"He's all blonde and light like you," I said after a minute of just staring. "He's perfect."

Brittany nodded and held Hunter up, "Hunt, say hi to mami."

I laughed and felt my eyes watering when his little hand reached out towards the camera and he gurgled happily.

"Hey Hunt," I cooed. "I'm your ma. You better be being a good little gentlemen for your mom."

Brittany giggled as she placed Hunter on her lap and began bouncing him on her knee, "He already loves you."

I was about to respond but soon found myself choking on sobs I'd been trying to fight off. I wanted to rest my head on my hands but I couldn't bring myself to look away from the screen.

"Baby, what's wrong?" Brittany asked, ceasing her movements with Hunter.

"Today was really bad B, I almost broke my promise," I choked out as I furiously tried to wipe the tears from my eyes.

"I'm gonna give Hunt back to Quinn and Rachel and then you're telling me what happened."

She was about to get up but I called for her to stay, "No, I want to be able to see him. It's okay he won't understand what I'm saying."

"Okay," she consented and sat back down, hugging Hunter to her chest as he stared at the screen. At me. "Now tell me what happened, don't sugar coat it I need to know what's happening."

I sighed to steady my words enough to speak clearly, "We had a foot patrol go wrong today. We were supposed to be executing an ambush but we got some bad intel and they were fucking all over us Brit," I explained, feeling too emotional to censor myself from swearing even though Hunt was there.

"We were held down in this dune and then we had to break up because it wasn't safe in there anymore. I ran until I saw another dune and jumped in but someone else jumped in with me."

"A bad guy," Brittany said, her voice contorted with worry.

"Yeah, a bad guy," I sighed. "I didn't see him in time and he had his fucking gun pressed into me. My chest would be bruised if it weren't for all the gear to soften the pressing. Katie jumped in though and took him out before he could do anything. B, I almost didn't make it today. Two other guys didn't make it and I was almost a third."

Brittany was silent for a moment and I knew she processing everything. The look on her face told me she was fucking terrified and just didn't know what to do.

"Say bye to Hunt, I wanna put him down so I can talk to you," she murmured and I sighed in agreement.

"See you later buddy," I said softly, putting on as good a smile as I could. "I can't wait to meet you."

_I hope I get the chance to meet you._

Brittany got up and I heard voices in the room over, knowing Quinn and Rachel were trying to talk to Brittany and figure out what had her looking so upset. Hopefully she'd brush them off for now so we could make use of the rest of our video chat time. Luckily, she made it back in just a minute.

"Santana," she sighed and ran a hand through her hair. I knew that body language, she didn't quite know what to say so I took the reigns.

"Brit, today really made me realize that I might not make it home," I said, really voicing my fears for the first time. "I know I promised and I intend to keep that promise but I need you to know that I'm gonna start doing things just in case I don't make it home."

San-," she started, but I cut her off so I could finish explaining the plan I'd just come up with.

"Listen B, please," I said and she nodded. "Thank you. I still intend to fight to make it back to you two but I want to there to be something for Hunt in case he never meets me. Something so he knows me without really knowing me. I know you wouldn't let him forget me and you'd tell him all about me but I want him to always have something that's really me."

"What do you mean?" Brittany asked.

"I'm gonna write him letters everyday I'm here," I explained. "I'm gonna tell him all about me in writing and tell him everything I can think of wanting to say to him. I'm hoping it doesn't come to this and I don't plan to let it happen, but if something happens to me someone here will ship you all my stuff; including the letters. I want you to give them to him when he'll be old enough to understand and appreciate them."

"Santana," she said, heart break clear in her voice. She didn't want to think about this. Neither did I, but I couldn't die without leaving something for him behind.

"Please just promise me you'll do this," I said determinedly. "I need to know that no matter what happens I'll be able to give something to him."

"I promise," she whispered. "You know I'd do it."

"I do," I said with a nod. "I just needed to hear it."

"I know you do, but you're coming back so it's a promise I know I won't have to follow through on," she said, reminding me of the way she seemed childish and weak when she begged me to stay back the the airport all those months ago. It broke my heart and the pessimist in me wanted to contradict her, but I love her too much to hurt her like that. Suddenly, a beeping noise next to me alerted me to the fact that my session was almost up.

"Baby, I'm almost out of time," I said, putting a smile back on my face that I'm sure wasn't all too convincing. "I'm sorry this was a bit of a downer chat."

"It's okay," she said, smiling back. "What kind of wife would I be if I let you go crazy over there without being able to voice your thoughts?"

"Well thank you for being so wonderful," I said before breaking out the signature Lopez pout. "I can't wait to be able to see you. Sleeping here sucks, I want to be curled up with you on our big comfy bed."

"I can't wait for you to come home either," she agreed. "Hunter's a total cuddle monster; he likes to sleep in the big bed with me and it'll be even better when you can join us."

"That sounds like perfection," I said before smiling mischeavously. "I've also got total blue balls which I cannot _wait_ for you to take care of."

"Santana Pierce-Lopez!" Brittany gawked dramatically and blushed.

"What? It's me you're talking to, you should expect this," I teased.

"You know how to make a girl feel special," she said with a genuine laugh and I smiled back at her.

"It's a gift," I said, then looked at my timer and saw that I really had to say goodbye before the chat cut off.

"I really have to go now," I said, a sad smile on my face. "I love you so much it's insane."

"I love you too," she said before adding softly. "Santana please be safe."

"I will," I said. "'Till next time."

"'Till next time," she echoed just as the screen blacked out.

I leaned back in my chair and ran my hands over my face with a sigh. I loved getting video calls but I always felt painfully empty when the screen goes black; you're just left in the booth with a black screen. Nothing in the world makes me feel lonlier. Needing to get out of the now-suffocating booth, I slid out of my chair and walked back into the main area of the Captain's Quarters where Katie was already standing and waiting for me.

"How'd it go ladies?" Captain Palmer asked, standing up from his desk.

"Good," Katie said with a small smile and I nodded my agreement.

"Those chats really do turn from the greatest thing in the world to the worst once the time to say goodbye comes around, don't they?" he asked. This is one of the reasons I like him, he gets it and doesn't act like he's above having the same feelings that the rest of us do.

"Definitely," I sighed in agreement. "But it's worth it."

"It most certainly is," he agreed. "Now, I suggest you two head back to your tents and get some sleep. Quite frankly, you both look exhausted. Dismissed."

Katie and I saluted before talking our leave. Back in the tent, we both were seated on our cots looking through pictures of our families.

"How'd it feel?" Katie spoke up for the first time since we'd returned. "Finally getting to see him?"

"The best and the worst thing ever," I admitted. "He's perfect, he knew who I was right away. It was honestly one of the best moments of my life but knowing that he's in the world and I'm not holding him kills me so much more than I thought it would."

"Today changed things for you," Katie said in a statement rather than a question.

"Actually seeing him changed things," I said with a sigh as I ran my thumb over the picture of him I was holding. "And for the first time that ambush today made me realize that there's a huge chance I won't make it. The thought of leaving Brittany was bad enough but now that he's so much more real it's all that much worse."

"It's harder but it'll also fuel your determination," she said. "Knowing I have not only a husband at home but kids too makes the fight in me a lot stronger. And you're way more of a hard ass in me so I'm confident that you'll be okay."

"I hope you're right," I said, smiling up at her. "I'm gonna write him letters though, so he knows me somehow even if he never meets me."

"That's good," she nodded slowly. "It'll be good for you too, being able to say things you want to say somehow no matter what."

"Yeah. Thanks for everything, by the way," I added and she smiled back. "I honestly didn't come here expecting to meet someone like you, someone who'd be an actual friend."

"Same goes for you, now write your letter," she said playfully and I nodded and grabbed the stationary I kept in the box under my bed. Licking the tip of my pen, I began writing everything I could think of.

_Letter #1_

_Dear Hunter, _

_I hope that you're old enough to understand all this because I'm not going to censor myself. I wouldn't censor myself in real life and I want these letters to give you an understanding of me so pardon my occassional lack of social graces. I hope it doesn't come to you never knowing me through nothing but these letters but in case it does I just want to make sure I'm really letting my charming (and oh so humble) self shine through._

_I guess I'll start by telling you why I decided to do this and it's not going to be sugar-coated._

_Today, I almost died. My company and I were supposed to be ambushing some bad guys but instead they ambushed us. We got pinned down and eventually had to separate. I got isolated from everyone else and a bad guy jumped into the sand dune I was in. He had his gun pushed into my chest and I really thought I wouldn't make it. I was thinking about how much I regretted never being able to meet you or see your mom again when my friend Katie Sheppard saved me. She hit the guy and killed him just before he could pull the trigger. I made it out this time but it was a damn close call and it made me realize I really might not make it, hence these letters._

_I want to teach you things through writing that I might not get to teach you in person. I'm gonna try and think of all the questions you might want to ask me and answer them here for you. I want to pass on the good parts of me to you and just tell you about myself so you don't ever have to wonder what I was like (not that your mom and everyone else wouldn't tell you, but I figure it'd be cool for you to actually have a piece of me no matter what)._

_So, I guess I'll start with something positive because I could use some happy thoughts right now. I think I'll tell you about me and your mom. I'm sure it's a safe bet that she'll have told you but we'll have different perspectives and I want you to have mine too._

_I met your mom in the sandbox at our local park where we were born (Lima, Ohio. Be grateful we moved to New York because you're life there will be so awesome and not dull and lame like Ohio). We were five years old and even at that age I knew that the moment I saw her that she was someone special. Of course I was too young to be legitly in love with her but it was still special. I was watching her from the swing because I was too scared to go say hi (your mom is the only person who could make me all shy and bashful, by the way. I'm a total badass except when it comes to her I'm a total puppy. That stays between you and me though, DO NOT TELL AUNTIE Q OR AUNTIE RACH). Anyways, I was just swinging and watching because I was too much of a chicken shit to go say hi to her. _

_Suddenly, out of the blue a lumbering jackass of a seven year old came and stomped all over the sand castle she'd spent the last ten minutes building. I saw her start crying and something in my little five year old self went crazy. I marched right over there and kicked that older kid right in the shin. He cried. I laughed. Your mom laughed. Then we built a new sandcastle for her and we've been best friends ever since._

_So you probably don't wanna hear all the mushy stuff I'm gonna tell you, but I'm a blunt person and I promised I wouldn't hold back, so I won't. You're mom and I were basically inseperable after that day, our moms even ended up as best friends because their kids were hanging out together so much. When high school came around I realized that the feelings I had towards her were love feelings. To say I freaked out would be an understatement. According to your mom, my lemons were very pressed (I know that sounds gross but I promise it's not. She meant my sexuality was repressed). I totally pulled away from her and starting sleeping around with guys(not that you wanna hear that, but I would have been straight up with you about it regardless of how I told you this story). I know that sounds bad, me being with guys when I know I love your mom but being a teenager, especially in such a conservative place, makes being different really really hard. So I tried to change myself, which clearly never really worked. I actually thought it was working but then your mom kissed me during the summer between Freshman and Sophomore year and I was back at square one._

_Here's another thing you REALLY don't wanna hear, but we hooked up every now and then after that. I detached myself and never let it be about feelings to justify myself and try and be straight. But, being that your mom is all about feelings, one day during Junior year she said she wanted to talk feelings. Being the closet case I was, we had to have a talk that was faciliated by a teacher. Even then I couldn't say things I wanted to say so we sang a song ('Landlide', listen to it, it's really a good song). The whole singing thing had to do with glee club, which I'll tell you about in another letter._

_So I sang that and realized I couldn't hide my feelings. I decided to bite the bullet and tell her I loved her. But, don't be mad at her because it obviously worked out in the end, she friggin' rejected me because she was dating Stubbles McCripplepants- AKA Uncle Artie, we're cool now- and wouldn't break up with him (she's just too sweet to hurt someone's feelings like that). _

_Anyways, we had a back and forth for a while where I'd try to talk to her and she'd say she couldn't be with me right then. Then when she broke up with him I was all stubborn and wouldn't let her be with me in public (conservative town=scary to be gay). You know I turned her down when she asked me to prom Junior year? Stupid, I know. _

_During Senior year shit seriously hit the fan. Finn, from our glee club (well we had split from that glee club and were in a different one at the time, which is why he was upset) got mad at me in an argument and essentially outed me in the middle of the hallway. The daughter of some governor candidate overheard him and he ended up using my image in his campaign saying that Sue Sylvester (my old Cheerio coach who was running for mayor, for another letter) wasn't supporting the idea of family in Ohio by having a lesbian head cheerleader. I was out to the world and couldn't do a damn thing._

_I was pissed, terrified, and felt smaller than I ever had. But, I eventually just woman-ed up and kissed your mom in the halls one day (it's not like anyone was suprised though). Your mom to me was everything that was good and joyous in a wonderful in a world that I thought was pretty shitty. She was and still is my beacon of light, as are you now too. I sincerely hope that one day you meet someone that will make me feel the way your mom does. She makes me feel like I can do anything because I know she believes in me, she makes me want to be better, she makes me everything that is good about me. Even in high school I wasn't stupid enough to deny those things, hence the fact that I did finally make things official Senior year (I hate to admit this but if I weren't outed I''m not sure if I'd have been brave enough to be with your mom openly)._

_Ever since then it's been pretty smooth sailing. We moved to New York for college with your aunts the second we graduated. I got a law degree and, as you know, your mom did her dancing with Broadway. We got married when we were twenty. I proposed on top of the Empire State Building because I'm just that awesome. We had a small ceremony, just with our family and close friends. After I was done with school we decided we wanted a kid, hence you being here in the world (I haven't even met you yet and you're the best thing I've ever done, just so you know)._

_But, money got tight because I was working with some bad people and my name got ruined in the law 's why I'm in the Army, we really needed the money and I didn't know how else to get it. I could've worked at a McDonalds or something but I'm way too proud for that (I mean seriously, would you rather tell people your mom was flipping burgers or fighting for our country?). I hope what I'm doing makes you proud, because when I enrolled I was really hoping you'd be proud of me someday; when you could understand. _

_Damn,I just noticed I've been writing for an hour and my hand really hurts. I'm gonna have to wrap it up for the night but I'll write you more tomorrow._

_Just know that even though I haven't met you yet you're my favorite person in the world and I love you so much._

_Your awesome and doting mami,_

_Private First-Class Santana Pierce-Lopez_


End file.
